'Twas the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the Night before Christmas
And I was a drinking.
Santa was coming
Or so was I thinking.
Little did I know
Just what was coming.
Santa was on his way
For a little different something.
In a drunken stupor
I left the bar.
Headed out to the parking lot
And looked for my car.
But what to my wondering eye
Did appear?
Saint Nick with a crazed look
That caused me much fear.
He attacked me,
Assaulting me with his sack.
I was knocked for a loop
And landed on my back.
"Why are you doing this?"
I asked with a start.
"I'm low on money for presents
Now give me your heart."
I tried to fight back
But Santa was too strong.
I knew that instant
That something was wrong.
"Why attack this person?
Why try to kill me?
Why must you do so?
I want to help you can't you see?"
"Sorry son", he said
"But I'm tight on money.
There are too may kids.
And my life isn't honey.
So, I steal some organs
And sell them on eBay.
Then buy lots of presents
For all the kids who pray."
It was at this moment
I passed out on the street.
Woke up hours later
Without any heat.
There was a scar on my side
Where once was my kidney.
In a tub of ice I lay
He didn't even give me anything free.
And while tired I was
Trying to lay
I heard him leaving
And heard him say
"On Dasher, on Dancer
On Prancer and Blitzen (who loved football)
On Comet, on Cupid
On Donner (Richard) and Vixen (the hot reindeer)
We've got what we came for
Now let us depart
We've presents to deliver
And we've barely made a start."
And as he flew out of sight
I heard him exclaim as he kept up a pace.
"Happy Christmas to all
And sorry to... what's-his-face!"

Merry Christmas!